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Extra Experience Points: Gaming Satire

Diary of an NPC (With Daily Advice and Travel Tips)

Greg Chatham
June 2, 2001

A look at the way all powerful NPCs are handled by players, GMs, and game designers.  

Today's Advice-"Watch out for springs"

My bracers of invincibility shorted out this morning. At that moment, a 13-year-old boy hit me in the face with a rock. I was dead for 18 minutes. Clerics at the local temple were able to make my death a cheat. My bracers have been reactivated and the boy was banned from the land. I live again!

Travel Tip-"The easiest way to get from one place to another is by falling unconscious"

I live some more! But I had that dream again, the one where I show up to fight the madness in Freeport in my underwear. I fear this nightmare portends the dawn of a new age. The last time I had that dream, half of the gods were renamed and my levels went all funky. The next thing I knew, there were psionicists everywhere.

Travel Tip-"You must have a +2 sword or greater to enter the ruins"

I am not as all-powerful as I used to be. After a long day of teleporting across the land and delivering deus ex machinae to adventurers, I returned to my study and drank healing potions until I fell asleep. I have not needed a healing potion in a hundred years. Now I go through a pack day.

Improve Your Vocabulary-"It's pronounced, 'Drist'"

It seems I forgot about the party I sent to rescue the Silver Princess from the Citadel of Gang Rape by Flumphs. I was supposed to appear in their time of greatest need, but I went to bed early that night.

Today's Advice-"A roll is a good trick"

I sent a party to deliver a message to the Big E. I am forfeiting our centuries long game of chess. I suggested we play a decade long game of UNO or a month long game of Twister instead.

Travel Tip-"The tower features hot man on man crossed with lion, bird, or snake action (open 24 hours)"

Last night I hung out at the bar looking mysterious and trying to pick up heroes who might bring me healing potions. The leader of the Company For DM's Choice approached me and offered to join forces. After all these years of providing cryptic information to her and shooting her companions with lightning, I never expected her to accept my help. Caught unprepared, I struck her with a bolt of lightning.

Travel Tip-"Thugs in the city's alleyways offer a never-ending supply of bracers AC 6"

I put on the wrong girdle this morning. I am a new man--or more accurately, I am no longer a man. It will take some time to rectify this.

Today's Advice-"A dragon has more hit points than that"

My nightmares have not abated and I am out of healing potions. I tied myself to bed and drank a potion of levitation instead. I worry about the changes ahead of me. If I stay here will wake up one morning with less hit points and new saving throws, or will I die in a heavy-handed fashion, sacrificing myself in an unnecessary but heroic manner or be pushed down the stairs by a one-armed ratman? If I flee, will the land I flee to exist after the revisioning? I do not know how much longer I will continue to live again.

Inspirational Quote-"You are probably not the one foretold of in the prophecy"

I am... becoming.

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What do you think?

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All Extra Experience Points columns by Greg Chatham

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