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Extra Experience Points: Gaming Satire

The Column of a Few Things

Greg Chatham
April 27, 2001  
Editor's note: Greg writes "This one's in the spirit of my favorite old school Dragon articles: useless magic items! Woohoo!" The Column of a Few Things (beneficial and baneful) can be used in any campaign. The column is 591 words long and written in the common tongue of Lord Kelvin, a 5th level fighter-thief. It contains occasional errors of grammar.

Created between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and March 22nd, 2001, it is said to be the result of a fit of Jhonen Vasquezish self-loathing. "I'm burnt out and can't think of anything funny," the author lamented. He cobbled together a list of a few things and screamed "Enjoy Filler Bunny if you can!" It's similar to what Dave Barry does at the end of the year, but funny to a larger group of people.

The column was recently discovered by an expedition of chunky, hearty adventurers in Barrier Peaks, SC. There was the silent one, the out-of-character one, the one who didn't know the rules, the one who tagged along, and of course, the one who didn't show up. Upon discovering the column didn't fit into their edgy, high fantasy paradigm, they left it in room 16b of the Return to the Temple of Elemental Evil.

A character must have possession of the column to claim the few things it describes. These items may then be drawn from Will Bullard's hat on Thursday nights between 9 and 10pm. The character will have to find Will Bullard and get permission to use his hat, or change his name to Will Bullard (suffering the usual penalties for alignment change) and use his own. Characters in campaign settings without Thursdays must consult a sage to determine when the hat will function.

The Few Things

The Card Table of Gary Gygax This card table contains the soul of Gary Gygax. ("So that's where I put it!") He used to sacrifice virgins on this table. It's missing one leg, but it stands as if on four. The table is green. It has no other magical abilities.

The Four Collectible Cups of the Apocalypse When stacked, these four collectible cups will end the world-not with a bang or a whimper, but with the kind of blah special effects you might see on an NBC miniseries. Not the best way to end to world, and not very good for ratings, but each cup is made of durable plastic and pictures a popular horseman of the apocalypse on the side. The pestilence cup changes color when cold drink is added.

The Greg Costikyan Greg Costikyan is the author of several novels and the creator of Paranoia. He's one of the few things because I think he's cool. I was disappointed with First Contract, but out of all the people who I think are cool, only Greg made it into this column. I hope that makes up for it.

The Lost Character Sheet

One unclaimed character sheet detailing Swab, a professional thief and mercenary, 18 years old. Swab is skilled in Sneer Brilliance (0), Stanley Fontaine Operetta (-1), and Favorite Porn Star (+3). He carries a portable hole, a bag of holding infinite women, a bag of holding a finite amount of the skulls of his enemies, a really big spring, a quiver of arrows (20), and a blue raspberry slurpee. "Where is the slot for experience points?" is written on the front. Other notes include: "My knife is in Howie's head," "March 7th, 6pm, Kapiolani Park for main game event," and "Doggie door in back." Swab's goal is "39."

Wraith, 1st Printing The title of this soft cover rulebook glows in the dark. 5 charges.

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