The Inside Scoop on Gaming

Much has been written about what role-playing can do to revitalize your sex life. You know, role-playing, where you pretend to be her big Black ex-boyfriend and she dresses up like a Japanese school girl. But what can the other kind of role-playing do for you and your partner? You know, role-playing, where you're the Japanese school girl and she's Urosukidoji.

I was having sex in role-playing games a long time before I ever had sex. I still remember my first time in character. The DM, another guy, transformed my giant space hamster into a well-endowed drow priestess. Then I was raped for 1d100 hours by a brontosaurus-thing from the Spelljammer Monstrous Compendium. No, not the Rapeasaur, the other one.

(This brings up the delicate tangent of character rape. Although officially endorsed by many prominent game companies-where did you think half-orcs came from?-I don't suggest it. If you do choose to rape a player character, don't blame it on the dice. Admit that you're a sick bastard and let the anal madness continue. And remember that while Black Furies will frenzy when threatened with rape, Shadow Lords won't, because they really want it.)

After a few encounters, I realized that sex between two characters run by male players, voluntary or not, could be kind of icky. Though role-playing games thrive on description, my players were unnerved when I described the Black Spiral Dancers going down on their characters in vivid detail. So I became oblique.

GREG: You take the librarian back to your room. Roll your stamina.
ISAAC: I have a specialty in endurance, so I get to re-roll my 10s.

GREG: Mei Lee throws herself on the couch and says, "Brother Blank, fill me with your yang chi!"
NATE: I do. How many points of chi is that?

With all this experience, I thought I was ready to role-play sex with a real woman. I turned off the lights, turned up Hammerfall, lit up the glowsticks, and introduced my girlfriend to the idea.

GREG: What do you want your character to be like?
MICHIKO: Can I have big breasts? And I want to be really cute.
GREG: Okay, you're in a hotel, you're big-breasted, and cute. There's a mysterious man at the bar. That's my character.
MICHIKO: I'll ask you to buy me a drink.
GREG: [Rolls dice] You failed your seduction attempt. I'm not interested.
MICHIKO: Don't you find me attractive?
GREG: I do, but my character thinks you're a slut.

I didn't get to roll my stamina that night, but I got Mad XP (see RIFTS) for learning an important lesson. Chicks want you to describe the Black Spiral Dancers going down on them in vivid detail. Unfortunately, mine went to Steal Your Girl Con and met a GM who was better at it.

Forget about table-top role-playing. The next time I have a girlfriend I'll stick to role-playing, the type where we're up on the table, not sitting around it.

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Extra Experience Points Sex With Gamers Greg Chatham February 12, 2001	Much has been written about what role-playing can do to revitalize your sex life. You know, role-playing, where you pretend to be her big Black ex-boyfriend and she dresses up like a Japanese school girl. But what can the other kind of role-playing do for you and your partner? You know, role-playing, where you're the Japanese school girl and she's Urosukidoji. I was having sex in role-playing games a long time before I ever had sex. I still remember my first time in character. The DM, another guy, transformed my giant space hamster into a well-endowed drow priestess. Then I was raped for 1d100 hours by a brontosaurus-thing from the Spelljammer Monstrous Compendium. No, not the Rapeasaur, the other one. (This brings up the delicate tangent of character rape. Although officially endorsed by many prominent game companies-where did you think half-orcs came from?-I don't suggest it. If you do choose to rape a player character, don't blame it on the dice. Admit that you're a sick bastard and let the anal madness continue. And remember that while Black Furies will frenzy when threatened with rape, Shadow Lords won't, because they really want it.) After a few encounters, I realized that sex between two characters run by male players, voluntary or not, could be kind of icky. Though role-playing games thrive on description, my players were unnerved when I described the Black Spiral Dancers going down on their characters in vivid detail. So I became oblique. GREG: You take the librarian back to your room. Roll your stamina. ISAAC: I have a specialty in endurance, so I get to re-roll my 10s. GREG: Mei Lee throws herself on the couch and says, "Brother Blank, fill me with your yang chi!" NATE: I do. How many points of chi is that? With all this experience, I thought I was ready to role-play sex with a real woman. I turned off the lights, turned up Hammerfall, lit up the glowsticks, and introduced my girlfriend to the idea. GREG: What do you want your character to be like? MICHIKO: Can I have big breasts? And I want to be really cute. GREG: Okay, you're in a hotel, you're big-breasted, and cute. There's a mysterious man at the bar. That's my character. MICHIKO: I'll ask you to buy me a drink. GREG: [Rolls dice] You failed your seduction attempt. I'm not interested. MICHIKO: Don't you find me attractive? GREG: I do, but my character thinks you're a slut. I didn't get to roll my stamina that night, but I got Mad XP (see RIFTS) for learning an important lesson. Chicks want you to describe the Black Spiral Dancers going down on them in vivid detail. Unfortunately, mine went to Steal Your Girl Con and met a GM who was better at it. Forget about table-top role-playing. The next time I have a girlfriend I'll stick to role-playing, the type where we're up on the table, not sitting around it.