Some time ago, I received an invitation via ICQ and e-mail to download a preview of a small, independent RPG. The game is Scared Stiff, the B-Movie Horror RPG and the publisher is rinky-dink outfit out of Canada by the name of The Guildhall Press. This PDF document contains the game engine that powers Scared Stiff—the RPG-13 B-Movie Game System—as well as a subset of rules that are supposed to emulate the tropes of this or that schlock horror movie archetype. It’s a nice idea, but one who’s time was 20 years ago and is now more than covered by the established horror games on the stands.

That’s the first strike for Scared Stiff. This game cannot justify its existence. There is nothing in this product that can’t be done better using Call of Cthulhu (either version), All Flesh Must Be Eaten, Beyond the Supernatural, Nightbane, any World of Darkness game or GURPS Horror and its siblings. All of these games can be run—they often are—as schlock horror of one sort or another, so Scared Stiff is an absolute waste of time and resources.

But wait! As in a schlock horror film, it gets worse.

We don’t get to anything resembling rules until Page 14; everything up to that is just a mixture of masturbatory bullshit about what role-playing is and how it’s different from other sorts of gaming. Forum posts at RPG Net or EN World get this point across better than any of this purple prose, and that’s in the midst of all the flamewars and trolling. If that wasn’t enough to merit a second strike, then it came at Page 14 when I hit upon the first example of the product’s unnecessary redefinition of accepted gaming nomenclature. Pointless masturbatory rambling about gaming, combined with the equally pointless use of new words for known elements, mean that Scared Stiff has yet to display its rules and it’s already two-thirds of the way to the Trash Bin.

I think that the explanation of the basics followed. I’m not sure because I couldn't tell what the hell the text said underneath all of that obfuscation. “Easy to read” and “easy to pick up” are not qualities of Scared Stiff. While there are clearly-marked examples in boxed text, they’re as hard on the eyes and mind as the main body. I had no desire to stick with this book, which says a lot after reading and reviewing The World of Synnibarr. If a game doesn’t snag my attention within 30 seconds, usually through flipping through the book to see if it’s laid out in a competent manner, then I kick it to the curb and throw a big blanket party. That’s what I’m about to do with this putrid excuse of a game.

That’s right, I dumped this game after Page 30. My crap tolerance is amazingly low these days, and Scared Stiff is astoundingly suck-tastic. My advice is to do as I did: dump the files, warn away everyone from it and tell the publisher that he has no business messing about with commercial RPG design until he gets a clue and learns how this market (and the business) actually works. You can meet your horror needs elsewhere.

And now, the (lack of) horror ends. Now I'm going to play a horror game that doesn't suck harder than a 12 volt Hoover, like Aliens: The Role-Playing Game. (Yep, that's sarcasm.)