The Shat: First, let me thank you for joining the William Shatner DVD of the Month Club. The only club for the discerning fan of the cinema and me, William Shatner.
Geek in the City: Think nothing of it Mr. Shatner, at only-
The Shat: Call me Bill. My friends call me Bill.
Geek in the City: Okay, Bill. As I was saying, at only $4 dollars a month, this is quite the deal. I can even forgive the crappy cardboard stock the DVDs were shipped in.
The Shat: Well, those are US Dollars and with your current economy, well, they just don't go as far as they used to.
Geek in the City: As opposed to the Canadian Dollar, Bill?
The Shat: Touché my good man, touché. Anyway, the films-
Geek in the City: Yes, my first official movie is the well-received small budget horror film, Ginger Snaps. Now, I have to cry foul on this one Bill... This flick is a few years old now and any horror fan worth their Lon Chaney Jr. bobble-head doll has already seen this movie as well as its two sequels. Besides, I think you picked this film because it was shot in Canada. Little national bias there, Bill?
The Shat: Perhaps a little. With only myself and Alannis having any career out of the Great White North, I wanted to throw my fellow Maple Leafs some love.
Geek in the City: Fine, I can respect that. However, sending people a five-year-old flick is not a good way to start a "cutting edge" sci-fi / horror movie service. Therefore, with that in mind, I am going to talk with you about the bonus flick you decided to infect upon my DVD player. The painfully awful, Wolves of Wall Street. Dude, Bill, this stinks worse than your twin brother’s performance in Kingdom of the Spiders!
The Shat: Um, I don't have a twin. I played both parts.
Geek in the City: Really? Damn Bill, you rock!
The Shat: You can call me Mr. Shatner.
Geek in the City: Ah, okay... Mr. Shatner. Well, the Wolves of Wall Street, where do I begin? Let us start with the premise. Packs of werewolves run the most successful brokerage firm on Wall Street, use their pack mentality, and finely honed predatory noses to devour their competitors. While a little contrived and tired, I could see how it could work in the hands of a good writer, cast, and director-
The Shat: My thoughts exactly, you see the point of the William Shatner DVD of the Month Club is…
Geek in the City: Unfortunately, Wolves of Wall Street lacks all the above. Hell, your lead is so bad even Kevin Smith wouldn't take him. The only decent performance comes from the hot redhead, Elisa Donovan, whose biggest gig was Sabrina the Teenage Witch. (Although I also feel she carried 1997’s Justice League of America, but that’s beside the point).
The Shat: Everyone struggles with their early films, as I recall, your stuff hasn't even seen the light of day.
Geek in the City: This isn't about me Bill, Mr. Shatner. Besides, I haven't charged anyone for my crap. Look, I am as forgiving on horror films as the next fanboy. Hell, I paid full admission price for Freddy vs. Jason, twice. But dammit, if you are going to shoot a movie about werewolves make sure your budget has the money for friggen werewolves!
The Shat: Wait? Wait?! There weren't any werewolves in this movie? A movie called Wolves of Wall Street lacked any form of bipedal lycanthropic lupine?!
Geek in the City: Okay, I am going to assume you know what you meant by that phrase and say, no, not a one. Hell, not only that, but there wasn't even an overtly hairy dude in the movie. These "werewolves" looked like they have just come from an Abercrombie and Fitch photo shoot. Complete with skin-tight black boxer briefs. Unlike Ginger Snaps, featuring an utterly hot chick got with the hairy skin! Shameful Mr. Shatner, shameful.
The Shat: I am sorry you had to endure such a film, truly. Well, was it at least bad in the entertaining way?
Geek in the City: No, I can't even turn the flick into a bad horror movie drinking night. Wolves of Wall Street is just terrible... In fact, I think I have to give this movie the first ever Geek in the City, Natural 1 roll!
The Shat: Oh, ouch, that’s harsh. Wait, that is harsh; isn't it?
Geek in the City: Yes, yes it is. That is stabbing yourself in the junk kind of harsh. Listen Mr. Shatner, I know you want me to enjoy these movies and I know you are trying to make some coin in the process. I can respect that, I really can. I can even ignore the occasional stinker as long as it is one with a few redeeming qualities. (Like some nakedness, or cool locations or a rocking soundtrack...anything). However, please, think of your fans before you send out the next DVD.
The Shat: I will, and thank you for pointing out these terrible mistakes. Those involved will be punished. Except me, of course, I'm William Shatner.
Geek in the City: It is the least I can do Mr. Shatner.
The Shat: Call me Bill.
Geek in the City: Thanks Bill. We’ll talk again next month.
