A Famous local pizza joint has now changed their name, for legal reasons. "I an I" Pizza kicks off a gala new beginning with many promotional offers during this restructuring time. Good luck, mon!
In Sports news, the Orioles lost yet another game, largely due to a high number of errors. Orioles shortstop Miles "Smiles" Smith has been sent down to the hunt to "improve reflexes, speed, and morale", says Orioles manager Dave Edmunds.
In DuPont news, with the unexpected vacancy opening up in the DuPont hierarchy, analyst speculate that DuPont might bring in someone from the main office to fill the vacant post, rather than promoting someone internal. Union officials had this to say, "Well, heck, it's not like the upper administration is Union, so, like, there's not much we can complain about." Despite the hurried aspect of the situation, analysis expect the transition of power to have little effect on DuPont short-term profits. Said one liaison, "It is likely that some of Mellit's 'pet projects' might be affected, but overall this is a dynamic time for DuPont and should prove to be quite beneficial." All we can say is, "The more things change, the more things stay the same."
Project Underplow, the controversial toxic waste disposal project of DuPont, is the first reported "Mellit Project" to get the axe, causing many civilian groups to celebrate. Said paid activist Terry Lemure, "We've been fighting this thing for seven years, and no one listened. Thank god Mellit burned out, this thing was an abomination." The project, described by DuPont only as "a combined solution to toxic waste disposal and the heat problem for the homeless" has never been a crowd-pleaser, and insiders report the economic situation was always poor. A DuPont liaison had this to say, "Well, it really was one of Dick's projects, after he saw the success of Project Mercury. With him gone, it didn't seem fair to force another person to manage it."
Firefighters went on strike briefly today, protesting outrageous insurance rates and low company contract offers. Strikebreakers hired by a coalition of Baltimore companies made short work of the strike. Said Firechief Ed Marshall, "We'll just have to raise our rates for private individuals, I guess." Here's hoping fires don't break out for any of the hired mercs accompanying the strikebreakers!
Project Springboard, a high-tech (and high-cost) research program initiated by DuPont and involving seven local independent contractors, is rumored to be shutting down in the wake of the Mellit resignation. Said T.M. Maple, a computer wiz working with the group, "Well, Mellit paid the bills, with him out I am not surprised DuPont is reassessing the situation." Thank you for that incisive commentary, Maple. Several of the contractors involved are seeking a new contract to continue their work, although reports have it that no companies are interested as of yet. Perdue has stated they are interested in continuing with the project if another company provided funding.
Stock prices for Midnight! took a sharp rise upward in the wake of the annual Investor's Meeting/Ocean City Crab Feast. This festive event, always a crowd-pleaser, had investors and creditors alike in a cheerful mood as the Midnight/Teleny Labs merger announced its plans for the upcoming year. Sadly, our reporters were unable to attend.
Project Smoketire, a Mellit-run project, will be shutting down this week as the loss of Mr. Mellit takes effect. "Frankly," said one foreman, "I'd be just as happy not having to burn used tires 24 hours a day." Insiders at DuPont report that one of the executives has an "Exciting, cost-effective and nearly pollution free alternative to just burning the used tires." However, Lawson's Gas Masks and Pollution Filters is attempting to lobby DuPont to continue the project and is also looking for companies willing to adopt a similar scheme.
Local priest Irich Dane was cut down by automatic weapons while delivering a controversial sermon speaking out against post-marital sex, saying "With the Lord as My Witness, Sex is a Sin". Apparently the Lord did not bother to intervene.
In a corporate ruling, DuPont executives declared that Mellit has broken his contractual agreement as regards his termination of service, and they will not take action as long as he signs his holdings over to the company. A legal spokesman informed us "Mr. Mellit has agreed, and the deal really is quite amiable. I don't understand why the papers always try and portray this as something severe."
Local stock broker Andreas Hollifeld was found dead yesterday behind the MLK Blvd police precinct. Medical teams found him, naked, bound by handcuffs on top of a stack of unraveled electrified razor wire. Hollifeld was known to have given the investment advice which resulted in the bankruptcy and subsequent suicide of former Police Chief Clarence "Du" Lebeau. Investigators on the site have ruled the death "Clearly suicide."
The Dundalk Orphanage has cause to celebrate, now that Mellit has dropped his case against them. One administrator added "we actually have DuPont to thank-- they informed us Mellit's DuPont lawyers were no longer authorized to persue the matter and cancelled the case. This is a great day for us." When asked about the original matter of dispute, though, our contact became somber. "We really had no part in the the runaway incident with his daughter. We really try our best." His remarks were, of course, off the record, and delivered to you first by AcuNews!