kill puppies for satan (an unfunny roleplaying game)
kill puppies for satan (an unfunny roleplaying game) Capsule Review by Jonathan Walton on 23/10/02
Style: 5 (Excellent!)
Substance: 4 (Meaty)
WARNING: This game contains many uses of four-letter words. So does this review. If that bothers you, go read about "Bunnies & Burrows."
Product: kill puppies for satan (an unfunny roleplaying game)
Author: D. Vincent Baker
Company/Publisher: Lumpley Games
Cost: Free (for now)
Page count: 33
Year published: 2002
Comp copy?: yes
Capsule Review by Jonathan Walton on 23/10/02
Genre tags: Modern day Horror Other
THIS IS THE GAME TO SPRING ON YOUR PLAYERS FOR HALLOWEEN. TRUST ME.
song is dedicated to...
I was sitting in my Greek 101 class the other day, surrounded by a gaggle of gung-ho soon-to-be-Classics-majors Freshmen, when the professor started taking about the tale of Odysseus and the Cyclops in Homer’s “The Odyssey.” Normally, my Junior-level apathy would have kicked in, but, this time, he managed to get my attention. Turns out, when the Cyclops picks up some of Odysseus’ men and kills them by slamming their bodies against the ground, Homer’s exact words are something like:
"The Cyclops smashed their heads like puppies."
If you don’t think that’s pretty amusing (and rather horrible), you probably wouldn’t like Vincent Baker’s horribly amusing game, kill puppies for satan. In the course of an evening’s play, many things will get smashed in a pupply-like manner. Not things like human heads, either. Things like baby harp seals.
This is your last chance to stop reading about this game. There are few redeeming aspects to anything in it. That is, in fact, the entire point. After this little introduction, the review is going to kick into Four-Letter Word Mode, to properly reflect the product being reviewed. Your last chance is now passing you by. There's always Bunnies & Burrows for those who still have morals.
Okay, too late now. Let the evil begin...
i kill puppies for satan.
in that fucked up way
you are a cold, fucked up, mean, relentless, satanist loser. no, in the game, dumbass.
the first thing you do is get out a piece of paper and a pencil/pen/whatever-the-fuck. write in your own blood for all i care. write in big letters across the top: i kill puppies for satan. then write your name. this is your character.
you have four attributes: cold, fucked up, mean, and relentless. they go from 1-5. 1 is normal; 5 is diabolical. cold is how heartless and calculating a motherfucker you are. fucked up is how devious, deviant, and weird a motherfucker you are. mean is how violent and ruthless a motherfucker you are. relentless is how gutsy and powerful a motherfucker you are. if you want to know how you figure out what attributes you have and shit, you'll have to get the fucking book yourself, hoss.
roll a d6 and look at a table to figure out your starting amount of evil. you can use evil to do evil shit. how do you get more evil? i'll tell you in a minute, chill the fuck out. just write it down.
roll another d6 and look at another table to figure out how many people hate you. write that down too.
to do shit, roll d6 stat and try to get under 7. if you're trying some easy-ass shit, the gm can even let you roll under 6. fuckin' pansy. if you're rolling against another motherfucker, the highest roll wins. in case of a tie, vincent says "i guess you block each other or some shit."
if you get punched or shot or whatever, make a relentless roll or fall down on your ass. also, subtract one from relentless. the gm'll tell you when you can have it back, so don't fucking ask.
if you try to do anything that requires you to interact with normal people, roll a d6 and try to get higher than the number of people that hate you. if you fail, you might not be getting a library card. tough shit. but if you want to seem like the true shit-head loser that you really are, roll a d6 and try to get equal to or under the people who hate you. congratulations, you suck.
the evil fucked up guide to... evil.
Down, down you
jesus doesn't want you for a sunbeam. after all, you're a cold, fucked up, mean, relentless, satanist loser. instead, satan wants you to kill puppies. well, puppies and other cute shit that satan doesn't like. he doesn't care if they go straight to cute little puppy heaven. at least he doesn't have to look at them anymore. just don't kill those little annoying-ass yappy motherfuckers. they go straight to hell, and then satan has to listen to them for eternity. then satan will not be happy with you. then your life with suck even more than it does now. no, i don't know how that's possible either, but trust me: satan does.
in return for being his toadies and doing all this evil shit, you're not only going straight to hell (where the demons will torture you for the rest of eternity) but you also get some limited power in this life, measured by the amount of evil you have. you get evil by killing puppies or other cute things in increasingly twisted and depraved ways. if you kill a baby seal with bottle rockets, that's worth at least 5 evil right there. however, first you have to find the motherfuckers, and cute little puppies and kittens are a lot more common than baby seals. though not for very long, you sicko. and killing those "beautiful rare tropical fish in like the dentist's office" is worth less evil than killing "beautiful rare tropical fish in someone's home aquarium," so don't cop out on that shit. just do your job like a good little cold, fucked up, mean, relentless, satanist motherfucker.
so what does all this evil get you? 'bout time you asked. 1 evil will let you keep rerolling a die until it comes up with at least a 4. you could also pass your people who hate you roll automatically, jump out a window without getting hurt, or cast a first degree satanic spell. shit like that. 2 evil will let you keep rolling until you get a 5 or 6. alternatively, you could take telepathic control of vermin (no, not including the other characters), heal your relentless, or add 1 to a stat for half an hour of game time. and there's other shit for 3, 4 & 5 evil too. get the damn book, you cheating bastards. it gets better.
the evil fucked up guide to... gm shit.
I don't need
after 8 pages of player info, vincent moves on to the shit for gms. most of this is how to make npcs to fuck with your players. he's got heroes, religious fanatics, vigilantes, space aliens, sorcerors, demons, and other random monsters in here. oh, and normal people too. each of them has their own quote in the style of "i don't kill puppies for satan but sometimes i yell at my dog." that's the one for normal motherfuckers, so the others are better. each type of npc has different stats and shit, but it's all provides color. some even get special powers so they can really kick the pcs asses, but they don't get it from killing puppies. and heroes keep track of "how many people admire me" and that kind of shit. it's pretty simple, since everything uses the same rules.
there's also a satanic spellbook that the pcs can learn spells and rituals from, plus rules on giving them fucked up versions of spells so you can laugh when they screw themselves over.
then there's advice on guns, saying that they are deadly, inaccurate, messy, and painful. also, "absolutely every single time somebody pulls a trigger, somebody might die," and that "jfk's brains were on the fucking truck of the lincoln and they didn't declare him dead until four hours later." contradictory, maybe, but the feeling of random deadliness will make your pcs think twice.
then there's some words about character advancement, hell, god, money, and finally some good advice about how to run the first session, when the pcs have no fucking idea what they're supposed to do. you start by going around the room, with each person saying "hi, my name is _______ and i kill puppies for satan." then everybody says "hi ______" and then the person tells you all something interesting about themselves. finally, you get the pcs to all decide how they know each other, so you don't have to fucking do it yourself.
then you play the damn game.
the evil & fucked up guide to... the sample scenario.
it comes to be
just in case your gm is fucking incompetent, vincent includes a sample scenario. it's got a lame-ass birthday party at a motel 6 that the players can't turn down (because they don't have any other friends), some surprises, and a trip to a mental institution to break out one of their loser buds. it's also got rules for two new types of npcs, scientists and those flesh-eating ghoul bastards. aren't you glad you don't have one of those motherfuckers for a friend...
however, instead of wasting my time describing the entire scenario, you motherfuckers can just read clinton's game report at the forge, "we killed puppies for satan," since he talks about playing through the sample game with a bunch of his fucked up players.
the evil fucked up guide to... getting the fucking game.
If you write a forum response to criticize my music
this is the easiest part. send an email to vincent (lumpley at earthlink.net) and make the subject line: i want to kill puppies for satan. just like that. no fucking capital letters. then vincent will either send you the url of the pdf file or, if you really are a cold, fucked up, mean, relentless motherfucker, he might even go down to kinkos and print & bind you your very own hand-made copy (assuming you give him your mailing address; do you really want a guy this fucked up knowing where you live?). however, like vincent told me, "my plan is to send a stack out this weekend but i gotta tell ya, that's been my plan for something like 6 weekends running." so give the man a fucking break. it's not like you're paying him anything. be patient.
and tell him jonathan sent you. hell, if you like the game, send him a few bucks, like it's fucking shareware or something. after all, a mind this sick needs all the support it can get...