Ork!
Ork! is everything you could want in a beer and pretzels game. It is fun to play, uproariously funny, and something that you would never consider playing if it took itself seriously. As is freely admitted, "You will not learn that the Orks are simply misunderstood primitives longing for your sympathy." If you're looking for that type of Ork, go out and buy Orkworld, but if you're looking to "Let loose your inner Ork," you've found the right game.
The basic premise of the game is that everyone wants to play an Ork at some time or another. You know, those swarthy, filthy, rude, obnoxious, big, green villains that we all love to hate. Yes, you get to be one of those Orks and go around and kill lots of squishy men. And no, this isn't one of those games were you then analyze your feelings on violence and feel sorry for all the squishy men that you killed (while still acknowledging your cruel nature and how you need to kill them to survive). That would be Ork: the Bashing. In order to set the proper lighthearted tone for the game, the second paragraph of the introduction talks about the Ork digestive tract, including how Orks will explode if they ever eat broccoli.
Learning Stuff
While this is a lighthearted game, there's still information here on the actual world that the Orks live in. You'll learn about how Ork society is organized: around strength (as if there were another way). The most powerful Ork in a tribe is the shaman, who wields powerful magic (more on that magic later). He retains his power by killing off anybody who shows even the hint of intelligence or magical aptitude, as if there were any other way to keep power. The goal of every Ork, then, is to become the shaman and be able to beat all the other Orks. Accomplishing this is made quite difficult if your GM elects to stark you as a gunk, an Ork who not even earned the right to a name. You'll be the lowest of the low until you earn the right to a real name. Then you'll be one step up from the lowest of the low! Of course, you'll also be able to pick on gunks, which makes it all worthwhile. You'll learn that Orks believe that the world is an ugly place and it is their duty to keep it that way. That's why Orks must wage war on the squishy men, those vile abominations who believe in daily baths! You'll even learn the most intimate secrets on how Orks reproduce, a process known as URG!, which is too vile to be described here.
While Orks live in a world of magic, it is a world that they do not understand. In ages long forgotten, there was the usual great cataclysm of fantasy worlds, after which magic became very unreliable. While there is still magic, mainly in the form of magical artifacts, you're never quite sure if your enchanted sword will smite your foes, or turn you into a toad. Orks are equally unsure of religion. They worship the all-powerful god Krom. Krom is the creator of the world, the patron god of Orks (and everyone else), and someone you may worship one day and loathe the next. While Krom is the god who gives Orks their strength and leads them into victory, he also oppresses them, torments them, and leads them into defeat.
While you'll find out much more about Ork society in this book (including the intricacies of the Ork language, so "You, too, am talk like Ork"), I'll leave that to your own discovery. I don't want to give away all of the fun, and of course it's not nearly as funny when I tell it. Suffice it to say that the first third of the book is both informative and hilarious.
How to be an Ork
This brings us to the mechanics of the game. As is appropriate for a beer and pretzels game, all of the mechanics, including character creation, take up 11 pages. Characters have four attributes: Meat (strength), Bones (constitution), Twitch (dexterity), and Mojo (a combination of magical ability and charisma). Each attribute is ranked from a D4 (worst) to a D12 (best). You're given a total of 32 "points" with which to purchase your dice. For example, you can take every attribute at D8 (4*8=32), or you can take two at D12, and two at D4 (2*12 2*4 = 32). Skills are then ranked from one (basic knowledge) to 5 (expert). Every skill starts at one and you get to 6 additional points to raise skills with. That's it! "You am now Ork."
Doing Stuff
As would be expected, skills are very easy to use, but they have a subtle twist. Let's say that your Run skill is a three. Run is based on Bones, which you have as a D8, and thus you roll 3D8. This part of the skill system is very much like Deadlands. The difference is that you don't simply need to meet a target number to succeed at a task. Oh no, that would be too easy for an Ork, for you see, Orks live in a state of continual conflict and thus all rolls are opposed. If Krom likes you (an easy action), the GM rolls 2D6 Krom dice. If Krom wins, then the Ork fails; if the Ork wins, then he gets to spit in Krom's face. Of course, I wouldn't recommend really spitting in Krom's face, because if Krom hates you, then he gets to roll 5D6!
Of course the fun with skills doesn't end there; the skills themselves are quite humorous. There's the obligatory Fight, Climb, and Sneak skills, but there are also interesting skills such as Smash. Smash is one of an Orks favorite skills, for it represents how much collateral damage he can create. Then, there is the great skill Run. What's so special about being able to run? Well, at first glance it would seem that running is an inherently un-Orklike thing to do; then you see the classic quote, "Run from Troll today, or you am Troll crap tomorrow."
Hitting Stuff
Surprisingly, combat, the thing that all Orks live for, takes up only four pages of rules. If you try to hit someone, then there's an opposed roll of the Fight skill. If you win, you hit your target; if they win, then they managed to dodge. Now for the good stuff: once you hit, you roll your Meat and then add on the Damage Ranking of your weapon (generally 1-5). The defender can attempt to soak this by rolling their Bones and adding on the Protection Rating of their armor (again, usually 1-5). For every three points of damage that is caused, the target takes one wound; five wounds and you're dead. Again, that's basically all there is to it. There are additional rules for missile weapons, but they are just as easy as the hand-to-hand rules.
GM Stuff
The last 30 pages, practically half of the entire book, is devoted to GM resources of one type or another. You get a list of magic items and "Foes of Orkdom," a.k.a. things to hit or that try to hit you. My personal favorites are the goblyns. Take standard fantasy goblins, add one part Scottish clan (complete with bagpipes and kilts) and one part headhunter (complete with shrunken heads). You've never seen anything like them and probably hope that you never will again. Of course, not all of the GM section is completely humorous. There are some things that are actually practical (heaven forbid!). For example, this section includes hints on how to run an Ork! campaign and many adventure seeds. I found this part of the book to be quite useful since very few people have ever thought about actually running a group of characters who are all Orks. The adventure seeds serve to quickly get a GM started and also to provide suggestions for what further adventures could be like. The book also includes information on how to get a bunch of rowdy and power hungry Orks to work together to accomplish something, a.k.a. be a party.
Finally, we have the introductory adventure, "Go Ork Go." This is a perfectly lighthearted romp to get your players interested in a couple sessions worth of Ork!. While it lacks the explicit backstabbing and power politics that a campaign of Ork! would likely turn into, its great fun for single night. In this adventure, the oddities of magic open up a portal to the 20th-century and deposit a Chevy Malibu into the world of Orkdom. (Did I forget to mention that things like this sometimes happen?) The shaman of the tribe sends the players out on an expedition to retrieve this holy artifact from Krom and, needless to say, there are many opportunities for the Orks to get into trouble.
It am look pretty
As the title so eloquently says (see, I'm learning Orkish), the layout of the book is quite attractive. The cover, a close-up of Ork with a screaming face, sets the tone perfectly for the in-your-face attitude that playing an Ork requires. The interior art is also very good, and usually funny as well (such as five Orks trying to drive the Chevy Malibu). The text passes a major test needed for beer and pretzels games: It has large, readable type. Although this might not seem very important, imagine trying to read the book after a couple hours of drinking too much beer and eating too many pretzels!
At first I was somewhat put off by the combination of price and the length of the book. At $13, Ork! is somewhat expensive for only 64 pages. But my, what good pages they are! Actually, I was somewhat surprised at the length of the book; when I first saw it, I thought it was in fact too long to be a good beer and pretzels game. Upon reading it, however, I see that there are really are only 11 pages of rules for the players to know. The rest of the book is either information on the setting or tips to get a GM up to speed with the new setting.
You am buy this game!
If you, or anyone you know, has an inner Ork that wants to escape, run out to the store and buy Ork!. While you certainly won't be using this is the basis of your next swords and sorcery game, and you might not want to run more than three or four sessions, they have the potential to be the funniest three or four sessions you've played a long time. Ork! has all the trappings of a great beer and pretzels game: simple rules, funny story, and lots of action.
Go to forum!
(Due to spamming, old forum discussions are no linked.)