Well everyone, I'd like to take this time to say that this here is my 50th review on RPGnet, and if you don't care about that, well then screw you. I'm gonna gloat and you're gonna like it. Okay?

Anyway, I would also like to take this time to say that the following review is uncensored and probably more than a little offensive to the thin-skinned and virgin-eared (or eyed, actually, yeah, I meant "virgin-eyed") among us.

As the warning in the front of HoL goes, Do not read further if you are offended by the following sentence: The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog; what a fuckin' asshole. I warned you. Now I'm going to have fun.

Anyway, back to me.

This is my 50th review. Worship my glory

Shush you. I'm not egocentric, just a little excited.

So, oh yes, on to the book itself. HoL is almost a gaming myth, I have to say, it's the one damn game everyone has heard about but no one has really had much experience with themselves. Everyone in my gaming group knew of the tale of Brother Aristotle Studbasket, who has the special ability to summon 3d6 young boys by making soft cooing noises, but damned if anyone has actually bought and read the book.

So I did. And I have to say that I am amazed that I wasn't climbing out of the womb with this clenched in my tiny baby gamer hand (yes, I was a gamer even then. Doctors were stumped by my insistence that my mother consume White Wolf products so that I could read them at my leisure in her womb. True story). I have to say that I laughed and snorted and giggled like a schoolgirl in a short skirt and a tight shirt while reading the book. I wasn't able to eat while I had the book either. Getting regurgitated Cheezits all over it is a no-no in my book.

HoL is just so damned great that I have to say everyone should buy it and read it, even if you aren't a gamer and find that they threaten your masculinity so much that you must re-assert it by breaking their fingers. And if you don't like the humor, than you suck. Yup. Sorry no one told you earlier, they were just trying to be nice. Look what happened. Tsk tsk tsk.

The game itself has an almost serious premise (not really, but I had to pretend). The planet HoL is a human occupied landfill ("Houston, we have achieved title!"), a combination galactic prison and trash heap.

And it stinks.

Or sucks.

Or really just hurts, like if you run into a roving gang of Sodomy Bikers. I like my intestines to not be full of holes, thank you. ::shudder::

So there is this one planet where the entire galaxy's trash is toss into, right, and they chuck the useless dregs of society here to, right. And this is where the game is set, right. And that's about it. Next review.

Oh, you wanted detail? Shit, fool.

Okay, so in the far future, the galaxy is ruled by C.O.W. (run by Emperor Rupert IX) and the great organization Church & Munch, headed by "Big Stevie" Zimmerman, the Megapope. Rupert runs the Empire and has jackbooted thugs beat up old women who try to cross the street (I mean come on, no one ever thinks of the street's rights, do they?) while Big Stevie leads the masses in their search for spiritual salvation - and some damn good fries.

Our players are the shit-shovellers of the galaxy, they did something wrong and got tossed into HoL with the rest of the dregs of the known worlds (except for Euro II, the eurotrash planet. No one bothers to try to clear that place of dregs - it'd leave an empty ball smelling of alcohol and too much perfume). Here they must survive and try to keep their pants on.

To do that of course, you have to bribe me - I mean the Holmeister with neat stuff and praise, or you die. 'Cause that's what the book says, really, and you have to do what the book says (that means cheat for all of the Holmeisters out there), including that part where the book says to ignore it… hey, wait a minute…

So, I'm sure you want to know about the system now, huh? Well, if you do, then you missed the point of HoL, you stupid rules lawyer! I cut you!

Okay, well maybe you didn't, but you might have. I know it, you're just hiding it well. Anyway, the system consists of rolling 2d6 and adding your skill and your stat. That's about it. Sure there are charts and shit, and they are a fuckin' hoot to read, but screw that, them's tha details, and if I told you that, would you buy the game? Hmmm?

"So what are the stats?" you say. Theys is (in no particular order) Meat, Feets, Mouth, Greymatta and nuts. Pretty self-explanatory. Really. They even have pretty pictures.

Don't even ask me what the skills are, I'm getting to that.

Skill are (see? I told you) things like "Turning radios into howitzers" and "make someone stop living with your fist," nice, general, much-to-amusing-to-be-legal kinds of things. The only other game with any sort of skill or system description anywhere near as amusing was All Flesh Must Be Eaten, and that was just one chapter. Damn shit, boy, buy this book, even if all you're gonna do is read it and then go back to you damned Ultima Online or somethin'.

And while you're reading my other review (damn right you better be, bitch), here are some other HoL links I just found just now just by myself. I have skeelz. HoL-landfillplayground-HoL and Waspinator on HoL!.

Damn, wish they had more stuff. The Waspinator bit does a nice showcase of characters though. Even if he is a transformer.

So, as I was saying, HoL has this and that the other other (yes, the other other thing, the other thing was not available for comment at the writing of this review) thing, but what it ain't got is a character creation system. It's got templates and it says "Make 'em up on your own, motherfucker, we've lazy bitches and we already have your money. Bleah!"

Shit, oh well. I hear that Buttery Wholesomeness has character creation, but since that is thirty-second hand info, I'm gonna ignore it.

Maybe I should talk about how the book is laid out now, huh? Nah, screw it, I'm gonna talk about Mountain Dew for a bit. I like Mountain Dew. I really do. I wish that the Japanese had invented it during the Heian period before the samurai, because then I could actually get to see some samurai dude in his tea ceremony get up being all austere and noble and quiet and shit while he prepares the tea cup just so, and then reach over (off screen, of course, because we all know that life is filmed) to grab a 2 liter bottle of radioactive cow piss and pour it in a little cup and drink its carbonated goodness until he is filled with divine energy and hops his mountain bike and bursts through the roof of the tea house screaming "Do ze Dew! Hai, Shogun-samaaaaaaaa!"

Yeah, so I'm weird. Sue me, you won't get much 'cause I don't have squat for money.

On to how the book is laid out. There is no font. There are no page numbers. No borders. No index. No table of contents. It's all hand-written with scribbles, cross-outs and tiny little inserts and arrows all over the damn place. And I love it.

You want to know how it's laid out? Take your little brother (yeah, Timmy, I always hated that twerp) and send him through a wood chipper. See the mess? Pretend this is the SATs. Timmy after the chipper is to Timmy before the chipper what HoL is to…. Anything written by someone who didn't smoke up that crack-rock the size of a Volkswagon (no, I can't spell. Phooey).

The art is amusing to say the least, and the entire book is written like this review, just more offensive and harder to read and follow (And impossible to lead. Those damn letters just don't know how to line up for a firing squad properly). And a hell of a lot more fun. If you don't like that, I'll sell you into slavery once I rule the world. That'll show you.

Is there anything else to say? Um, if you are new to the gaming hobby, HoL will be a nightmare to run. Really. You'll wake up at night sweating and screaming out "Oh god, the CLOWNS!" So be careful. What else? Oh yeah, if you didn't play D&D (or AD&D, or any damned thing with "D&D" in it, they all suck big juicy moose dick) and you don't like Monty Python (I'll be by to kill you and put you out of my misery later) then you won't get many of the jokes. And you need to have listened to shitty music too. Or be able to laugh even when you don't get the joke, just to cover it up.

HoL is a game I need to run. I have a burning deep in my loins for this game, and I know it returns my affections. Sorry honey, but you just can't give me a papercut like the book! Ahem, so, as I was saying, HoL is an experience, and one that will definitely destroy you. So dig in, you damned German nihilists, and buy it, 'cause then there will be other games like this and I can swear some more on RPGnet for no particular reason. It's kinda fun.

P.S. - the previous review of HoL said that actually running a game of it would be hard. Nope, you're just stupid and retarded. Yeah, that's it. Why don't you post something to this review so I can make more completely unfounded and uninformed judgments of you mental faculties? It's kinda fun too.

Author's Note: None of the above is true. Okay, some of it is. Maybe even most, but really, I'm a nice guy, I just wanted to loosen up for this review. I have a nice, happy homelife and I'm a loving, caring man. Hell, I even hug my girlfriend's stuff bear sometimes (just don't tell her that). So please, if you take offense, get a skin graft or something, you're gonna need it in the real world.

P.P.S. - I was gonna have a contest for this review or something, just as a thinly-veiled attempt to get people to visit my webpage (the McGuffin Group) but then I got all carried away and couldn't think of a good contest anyway. So, instead, I'm going to do something unique and avant-garde! I'm not going to tell you the rules or the details or what you'll win or how long the contest lasts! That's part of the excitement, the mystery, right? So, if you want to enter, visit the webpage and sign the guestbook. Or you could email me, but then you'll have to send money or something. Or maybe just some rice. With gravy. I like rice and gravy. Ooh! Ooh! I know, you could send me bleu (shut up! I said I couldn't spell!) cheese salad dressing!

Style: 5 (Excellent!)
Substance: 5 (Excellent!)

HoL: Human Occupied Landfill
Author: Todd Shaughnessy, Daniel Thron and Chris Elliot Category: game Company/Publisher: Dirt Merchant Games Line: HoL Cost: your first-born child, or $14.95, depending on where you are Page count: how the hell should I know? There are no page numbers! Something like 150 to 200 pages, I would guess ISBN: HoL is truth - M. Gandhi SKU: your mom Capsule Review by Derek Guder on 11/01/99. Genre tags: Science_fiction Far_Future Space Comedy Post-apocalypse	Well everyone, I'd like to take this time to say that this here is my 50th review on RPGnet, and if you don't care about that, well then screw you. I'm gonna gloat and you're gonna like it. Okay? Anyway, I would also like to take this time to say that the following review is uncensored and probably more than a little offensive to the thin-skinned and virgin-eared (or eyed, actually, yeah, I meant "virgin-eyed") among us. As the warning in the front of HoL goes, Do not read further if you are offended by the following sentence: The quick brown fox jumped over the lazy dog; what a fuckin' asshole. I warned you. Now I'm going to have fun. Anyway, back to me. This is my 50th review. Worship my glory Shush you. I'm not egocentric, just a little excited. So, oh yes, on to the book itself. HoL is almost a gaming myth, I have to say, it's the one damn game everyone has heard about but no one has really had much experience with themselves. Everyone in my gaming group knew of the tale of Brother Aristotle Studbasket, who has the special ability to summon 3d6 young boys by making soft cooing noises, but damned if anyone has actually bought and read the book. So I did. And I have to say that I am amazed that I wasn't climbing out of the womb with this clenched in my tiny baby gamer hand (yes, I was a gamer even then. Doctors were stumped by my insistence that my mother consume White Wolf products so that I could read them at my leisure in her womb. True story). I have to say that I laughed and snorted and giggled like a schoolgirl in a short skirt and a tight shirt while reading the book. I wasn't able to eat while I had the book either. Getting regurgitated Cheezits all over it is a no-no in my book. HoL is just so damned great that I have to say everyone should buy it and read it, even if you aren't a gamer and find that they threaten your masculinity so much that you must re-assert it by breaking their fingers. And if you don't like the humor, than you suck. Yup. Sorry no one told you earlier, they were just trying to be nice. Look what happened. Tsk tsk tsk. The game itself has an almost serious premise (not really, but I had to pretend). The planet HoL is a human occupied landfill ("Houston, we have achieved title!"), a combination galactic prison and trash heap. And it stinks. Or sucks. Or really just hurts, like if you run into a roving gang of Sodomy Bikers. I like my intestines to not be full of holes, thank you. ::shudder:: So there is this one planet where the entire galaxy's trash is toss into, right, and they chuck the useless dregs of society here to, right. And this is where the game is set, right. And that's about it. Next review. Oh, you wanted detail? Shit, fool. Okay, so in the far future, the galaxy is ruled by C.O.W. (run by Emperor Rupert IX) and the great organization Church & Munch, headed by "Big Stevie" Zimmerman, the Megapope. Rupert runs the Empire and has jackbooted thugs beat up old women who try to cross the street (I mean come on, no one ever thinks of the street's rights, do they?) while Big Stevie leads the masses in their search for spiritual salvation - and some damn good fries. Our players are the shit-shovellers of the galaxy, they did something wrong and got tossed into HoL with the rest of the dregs of the known worlds (except for Euro II, the eurotrash planet. No one bothers to try to clear that place of dregs - it'd leave an empty ball smelling of alcohol and too much perfume). Here they must survive and try to keep their pants on. To do that of course, you have to bribe me - I mean the Holmeister with neat stuff and praise, or you die. 'Cause that's what the book says, really, and you have to do what the book says (that means cheat for all of the Holmeisters out there), including that part where the book says to ignore it… hey, wait a minute… So, I'm sure you want to know about the system now, huh? Well, if you do, then you missed the point of HoL, you stupid rules lawyer! I cut you! Okay, well maybe you didn't, but you might have. I know it, you're just hiding it well. Anyway, the system consists of rolling 2d6 and adding your skill and your stat. That's about it. Sure there are charts and shit, and they are a fuckin' hoot to read, but screw that, them's tha details, and if I told you that, would you buy the game? Hmmm? "So what are the stats?" you say. Theys is (in no particular order) Meat, Feets, Mouth, Greymatta and nuts. Pretty self-explanatory. Really. They even have pretty pictures. Don't even ask me what the skills are, I'm getting to that. Skill are (see? I told you) things like "Turning radios into howitzers" and "make someone stop living with your fist," nice, general, much-to-amusing-to-be-legal kinds of things. The only other game with any sort of skill or system description anywhere near as amusing was All Flesh Must Be Eaten, and that was just one chapter. Damn shit, boy, buy this book, even if all you're gonna do is read it and then go back to you damned Ultima Online or somethin'. And while you're reading my other review (damn right you better be, bitch), here are some other HoL links I just found just now just by myself. I have skeelz. HoL-landfillplayground-HoL and Waspinator on HoL!. Damn, wish they had more stuff. The Waspinator bit does a nice showcase of characters though. Even if he is a transformer. So, as I was saying, HoL has this and that the other other (yes, the other other thing, the other thing was not available for comment at the writing of this review) thing, but what it ain't got is a character creation system. It's got templates and it says "Make 'em up on your own, motherfucker, we've lazy bitches and we already have your money. Bleah!" Shit, oh well. I hear that Buttery Wholesomeness has character creation, but since that is thirty-second hand info, I'm gonna ignore it. Maybe I should talk about how the book is laid out now, huh? Nah, screw it, I'm gonna talk about Mountain Dew for a bit. I like Mountain Dew. I really do. I wish that the Japanese had invented it during the Heian period before the samurai, because then I could actually get to see some samurai dude in his tea ceremony get up being all austere and noble and quiet and shit while he prepares the tea cup just so, and then reach over (off screen, of course, because we all know that life is filmed) to grab a 2 liter bottle of radioactive cow piss and pour it in a little cup and drink its carbonated goodness until he is filled with divine energy and hops his mountain bike and bursts through the roof of the tea house screaming "Do ze Dew! Hai, Shogun-samaaaaaaaa!" Yeah, so I'm weird. Sue me, you won't get much 'cause I don't have squat for money. On to how the book is laid out. There is no font. There are no page numbers. No borders. No index. No table of contents. It's all hand-written with scribbles, cross-outs and tiny little inserts and arrows all over the damn place. And I love it. You want to know how it's laid out? Take your little brother (yeah, Timmy, I always hated that twerp) and send him through a wood chipper. See the mess? Pretend this is the SATs. Timmy after the chipper is to Timmy before the chipper what HoL is to…. Anything written by someone who didn't smoke up that crack-rock the size of a Volkswagon (no, I can't spell. Phooey). The art is amusing to say the least, and the entire book is written like this review, just more offensive and harder to read and follow (And impossible to lead. Those damn letters just don't know how to line up for a firing squad properly). And a hell of a lot more fun. If you don't like that, I'll sell you into slavery once I rule the world. That'll show you. Is there anything else to say? Um, if you are new to the gaming hobby, HoL will be a nightmare to run. Really. You'll wake up at night sweating and screaming out "Oh god, the CLOWNS!" So be careful. What else? Oh yeah, if you didn't play D&D (or AD&D, or any damned thing with "D&D" in it, they all suck big juicy moose dick) and you don't like Monty Python (I'll be by to kill you and put you out of my misery later) then you won't get many of the jokes. And you need to have listened to shitty music too. Or be able to laugh even when you don't get the joke, just to cover it up. HoL is a game I need to run. I have a burning deep in my loins for this game, and I know it returns my affections. Sorry honey, but you just can't give me a papercut like the book! Ahem, so, as I was saying, HoL is an experience, and one that will definitely destroy you. So dig in, you damned German nihilists, and buy it, 'cause then there will be other games like this and I can swear some more on RPGnet for no particular reason. It's kinda fun. P.S. - the previous review of HoL said that actually running a game of it would be hard. Nope, you're just stupid and retarded. Yeah, that's it. Why don't you post something to this review so I can make more completely unfounded and uninformed judgments of you mental faculties? It's kinda fun too. Author's Note: None of the above is true. Okay, some of it is. Maybe even most, but really, I'm a nice guy, I just wanted to loosen up for this review. I have a nice, happy homelife and I'm a loving, caring man. Hell, I even hug my girlfriend's stuff bear sometimes (just don't tell her that). So please, if you take offense, get a skin graft or something, you're gonna need it in the real world. P.P.S. - I was gonna have a contest for this review or something, just as a thinly-veiled attempt to get people to visit my webpage (the McGuffin Group) but then I got all carried away and couldn't think of a good contest anyway. So, instead, I'm going to do something unique and avant-garde! I'm not going to tell you the rules or the details or what you'll win or how long the contest lasts! That's part of the excitement, the mystery, right? So, if you want to enter, visit the webpage and sign the guestbook. Or you could email me, but then you'll have to send money or something. Or maybe just some rice. With gravy. I like rice and gravy. Ooh! Ooh! I know, you could send me bleu (shut up! I said I couldn't spell!) cheese salad dressing! Style: 5 (Excellent!) Substance: 5 (Excellent!)

HoL: Human Occupied Landfill

This is my 50th review. Worship my glory