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Lease on Life


My GM, Nathan, is evil.

Ok, before I start, let me tell you about my gaming group:

Nathan is our GM, and as I said, is evil. This column is about one particularly horrible quest he sent us on, though there are of course many others.

Next we come to Noah, one of my fellow players and Nathan's brother. Thanks to a little something I slipped into a Ravenloft campaign once, he goes berserk at the mere mention of "zombie rabbits". Hmm, gotta remember to put zombie rabbits in my next campaign.

Finally, we come to me, myself, and I; Spencer M. Lease, gamer extraordinaire. I am, of course, brilliant, handsome, and very good to my players whenever I get to GM. Well, maybe that's a slight exaggeration, but I'm the hero of the story, so deal with it.

Oh, yeah, there are a few other players. They follow the great Calendar of Gaming and show up at the preordained time, which is "Whenever I Feel Like It." I don't actually know, of my own knowledge as Dickens would say, if there's a real Calendar of Gaming, but they claim there is one and I believe them. (Hmm, maybe I'm not quite so brilliant as I thought.)

Ok, so where was I? Oh, yes, the evil nature of Nathan, the GM from the Abyss. The prime example of his evil is the notorious Sewer Incident, which I will now proceed to bore you to death with. (Mr. Arneson, please stop reading this, I'll need a living celebrity for my online convention this year.)

It was a dark and stormy night, or would have been if not for the fact that it was noon on a day in June. A particularly dry and sunny day, I might add. But enough about that.

Noah and I were the only two players who had bothered to show up, and Nathan cracked under the pressure. Had we noticed this immediately, we would have tied him up and sent him to the Gary Gygax Asylum for Wacky GMs, but unfortunately he went quietly insane and we were unable to restrain him.

See, in this campaign Nathan is running, there's a very important person who keeps sending us on quests that are either (A) completely useless and ludicrous, (B) suicide missions, or (C) all of the above. Anyway, he claims he's important. Whether he really is or not remains to be seen, but unfortunately his "associates" (two very large 700th-level fighters) can be very persuasive whenever anyone tries to refuse to go on a quest.

So anyway, our characters (I think Noah's was named Andara or something like that and mine was Samantha - due to a weird psychological quirk I often play female characters and I've always liked the name Samantha) were returning from this town which had been infested by zombies. The important person (whom I think I shall call "Mr. Fluffypants" from now on) had sent us to get rid of the zombies. A fighter and a mage. Alone. Against an army of zombies. You do the math. We were lucky to get out alive, really.

We managed to return to our homes in the city (Nathan never told us the name of the city) and decided to recruit a small army of NPC hirelings to help us fight the zombies. So we put up posters in the city, thinking we'd have plenty of hirelings before the week was out.

No such luck. Mr. Fluffypants spotted the posters, had his "associates" tear them down, and then came to visit us.

Finally, we managed to convince Mr. Fluffypants to let us hire some NPCs, and promised to go back to the town as soon as we had our army.

"Very good," said Fluffypants. "But first you must save the sewers!"

Save the sewers?

"No problem," I said as I casually moved any sharp objects I could find out of Nathan's reach.

It turned out that the sewers were filled with rats. Of course, rats in the sewers upset the entire balance of the great circle of life (take New York - please), so Mr. Fluffypants wanted us to get rid of them.

Noah and I were quite reasonable about this. We responded to his request with one voice, saying, "NO WAY!!!"

But his eminence's "associates" turned those powers of persuasion on us, and we were completely unable to resist.

After we landed in the sewers ("18 points of damage!" cried Nathan gleefully), we discovered the truth: it was a wererat infestation. Well, ok, that's halfway cool, but for Mt. Celestia's sake did it have to be a sewer?

We didn't actually get a decent adventure out of it, though. My character found her way to the lair of the "Mouse King" - an actual talking mouse - and Nathan tried to bribe us with some nice little magical items. We stunk, of course, but hey, we won the consolation prize!

Ok, what can I say? We're die-hard, hack-`n'-slash gamers. We took the magic items and stopped grumbling. But strangely, Nathan still hides the sharp objects whenever Noah and I are around...I wonder why...

Comments? Try

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