Author: Sleeper (---.aol.com)
Date: 08-08-2002 18:51
Interesting. Let me start with a question: Is "The Travels of Mendes Pinto" an actual fictional work, or did you just make it up? I've been following your column since you started it, and I'm still not sure.
A brief introduction might help rectify this. Your writing style can be somewhat convoluted at times, and having a short paragraph at the front of each column explaining your goals, the setting, and where you got your inspiration might be useful.
(Okay, I just read your Introduction, and who wrote it is cleared cleared up in a sidebar. But it's still traditional to give the author credit when you quote his or her text.)
Now let's jump into the topic at hand. Character creation. My overall impression is that it's got quite a bit of promise, but it's not ready for prime time yet. That's based on a quick read-through, so it's likely I've overlooked some key points. The specifics:
On the positive side, I especially liked the detail you put into the different social backgrounds. The focus on why and why not certain social backgrounds are acceptable makes the restrictions feel a lot less arbitrary than in some games. The depth of detail there is excellent. BTW, the description of "convincing" from your column should be here, somewhere.
I also loved the way you kept the feel of the setting. Not just the colorful chapter names, but the way your traits are actual long-winded phrases rather than just a single word like "Intelligence". The same applies to your sub-section titles (e.g. "You are unlikely to come from a rich merchant's family"). The anachronistic phrasing of Mendes himself in the intro blurb helps immerse the reader in the setting as well.
The list of names is good, and vital in a historial game (nothing breaks suspension of disbelief like a Portugeuese sailor named Ralph, or even worse Coochi-Mama Hot Pants). In fact, you might want to emphasize that a bit more.
On the negative side, you need to make some parts a lot clearer. You're using a non-traditional set of traits (whole sentences, and descriptors rather than values for the most part), and you don't clearly explain that at the beginning of the chapter. This threw me until I flipped back.
Having to go find the table with the appropriate alternatives for each trait was maddening. I hope that's what you intend to fix by removing the tables.
I also hope that adding more examples will clarify other parts of the character creation process. For instance, can the player make up their own alternatives, or do they have to choose from the list? How specific are the players supposed to be? (This is related to the previous question: Do you choose "honor" or "you live for your honor"?). Do you want an essay, or a quick blurb? This seems to vary greatly by trait, and more guidance would be good.
Sometimes you seem to making suggestions about what kinds of traits a character could have, and sometimes you seem to be saying that a character will always have this as a trait.
Actually seeing a filled out character sheet would help a lot.
The brief outline in the front (which isn't clearly labeled as an outline), and then more detailed options later isn't done well. Social status is so essential to the character creation process that it might be the best place to start.
There seem to be a lot of underdeveloped sections. What *about* his personality? What do you mean by "Someone will come after you"? (Could be an enemy, or friends who will find you if you go missing.) And so on and so on. Will these be developed?
For accessibility, I'd provide English translations of Portugeuese terms *every* time their used (e.g. putting "rich man" in parentheses after "Rural rico-homem" in the table).
Dice pools. No idea how they're applied to traits, except what can be inferred from the character sheet.
The character sheet. First of all, I couldn't read the .pdf version because it couldn't find the ColorSpace named Cs6 (the whole sheet turned black). But more importantly, while the color trick is a neat idea, I don't think works. I just don't see how you can make the background readable yet light enough to write over the top of it at the same time (especially with a pencil).
There also doesn't appear to be enough space on the character sheet for a lot of the less quantifiable traits (reason for sailing, on the occasion of, that because under your relationships, etc.), and it still feels cluttered. I don't think the MadLibs approach is working.
And it's clearly a rough draft. Typos, phrases that mark you as a non-native speaker of English, poor grammar, inconsistent use of terms, and so on. Naturally.
And finally, what are mercies? (I can guess from context, but you might need to toss in a glossary or define unusual terms as they come up.)
Obviously, this isn't comprehensive, but I did try to cover all the bits that jumped out as I read the chapter. At this stage, the game is currently the kind that would drive me up the wall because, while it has some good ideas, I'd go crazy trying to figure out what you meant.
-Pat
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