"Remember, a wand of wonder is merely an excuse for the DM to have a good time!"

O, Wondrous Wand

I feel the same way with critical failures. Not that anything can go wrong during a spell. And I've always disliked random critical failure tables -- they reminded me of Rolemaster where a bad-enough roll could mean you cut off your own head. On accident that is, I'm not talking about Head of Vecna gullibility. And it slows down the pace as you have to pull out another chart and make another roll, pulls people out of the drama of the game. But, some folks just relish the critical failures. They add spice and twists to what might be a typical story. So, here are a few ideas. Some of these are pretty wicked for player characters, like player-killing, game-changing, so use with caution. Roll percentage dice and consult the following table. Another way to use this table is the GM rolls before the campaign starts. This is the effect for all spell failures, all the time.

01-03. Spell doubles duration and area of effect.

04-06. Spell halves duration and area of effect.

07-09. Spell that is cast is actually the opposite spell (cause wounds instead of cure wounds, or ice storm instead of fireball). If there isn't an opposite spell, then spell does not go off.

The above three are typical "spell failure" conditions, where the spell that goes off is similar to what was intended, but not quite. Some type of subversion of the original spell. And that makes sense to a degree -- if you aim for a bulls eye on a target and miss, chances are you'll hit the target itself as opposed to, say, the person next to you. But that's assuming that magic is following a logical progression, that everything can be predicted and small details changed results in small changes to the effects. In my world, it doesn't -- small details can spiral out into something totally not expected. Hence the other 40+ effects below.

10-11. Spell reverses gravity for 1d10 seconds.

12-13. Spell creates a double of a random person in the area.

14-16. Caster turns insubstantial and mute for 1d10 minutes.

17-19. Area 500 feet around spell caster turns pitch black for 1d10 seconds.

The above two are inconvenient, but not disastrous in most conditions. The first takes the caster out of the action for a few minutes, while the second obstructs vision for a few seconds. Talking on the phone or lounging around at home, you just wait it out. Driving or operating heavy machinery, not so much. If this happened a lot, laws may start cropping up, forbidding magic to be cast 500 feet from a construction site or road. Driving while casting may become a ticketable offense, but with such a small chance that magic fails, people would do it anyway. And this is only the social aspect -- no mentioning the effects this could have in combat.

20-21. Spell caster grows scales permanently, or becomes more reptilian.

As magicians fail occasionally (as they are wont to do), you can see the effects on their person. The more they fail means the more they are warped. Serpents are traditionally evil in Western culture, alien and menacing, so this puts an onus on magicians. I mean, if they became more puppy-like, that's totally different.

22-23. Caster glows green for 1d10 hours.

24-25. Caster becomes paralyzed for 1d10 minutes.

26-27. Ground around spell caster grows grass and small bushes.

This implies that magic encourages life. The leakage of magic means things grow and flourish, which puts a spin of the inherent goodness of magic.

28-29. Caster develops a stutter, lasting 1d10 weeks.

And of course this means they can't cast spells for this time period. Oops.

30-31. Caster hears a conversation 1-10 miles away.

32-33. Caster summons a demon, angel, djinn, or otherworldly being.

Totally cribbed off of GURPS. "A demon or other malign entity appropriate to the setting appears and attacks the caster. (The GM may waive this result if, in his opinion, caster and spell were both lily-white, pure good in intent.)" GURPS Magic, 4th edition. Getting the attention of otherworldly beings is dangerous, and this effect puts the source of the magic into focus. This may not be appropriate if magic is scientifically-based, but in a cleric-run world, this makes perfect sense. And it forces those who use magic to be in-line with those who grant the magic. If you fail a cure wounds spell, and an angel shows up, well, not much is lost.

34-35. Caster turns into a random animal/plant for 1d10 minutes.

36-37. Caster changes nearest living thing into a human.

The Shapechanger's Wife looks at the implications of shapechanging, both polymorph self and polymorph other. The folks who are changed from other to humans are decidedly not human. Their outlook is very different. If you want to run a campaign that uses shapechanging, I'd highly recommend this book. Sharon Shinn is the author. I would add yet another quote, but what I would quote would be the ultimate spoiler, so just find the book and read it yourself.

38-39. Caster grows 1d10 feet.

That's feet as in size, not things to walk on. Although the latter would be fun, too.

40-41. Caster becomes immune to fire, but temperature goes up 15 degrees. Caster takes double damage against ice and cold attacks.

42-43. Caster can talk with cats.

Not that they'd have much to say.

44-45. Caster uncontrollably levitates 2d10 feet off the ground for 1d10 hours.

46-47. Starts raining over caster for 1d10 hours.

48-49. Area around caster (100 feet radius) drops 15 degrees Fahrenheit for 1d10 days. This effect moves with the caster.

"It don't matter what kinda lovin' you're into / Or how big your apartment might be / All you need's an Air Conditioner / And you're the man for me." Christine Lavin, "Air Conditioner". This is actually a fun effect. The air literally chills when a spellcaster walks into a room. This may be a good thing, depending on the typical environment. 10 degrees can mean the difference between a intolerably hot day and merely hot. Or chilly and uncomfortably cold.

50-51. Caster can read minds for 1d10 hours. Range is line of sight, and this is uncontrollable.

52-53. Caster can read mines for 1d10 hours. Range is line of sight, and this is uncontrollable.

54-55. Caster can read mimes for 1d10 hours. Range is line of sight, and this is uncontrollable.

56-57. Caster gains an unseen servant for 1d10 hours.

58-59. Any food or water within 10 feet of the caster becomes spoiled or rancid.

60-61. Any gold or silver the caster is carrying turns to lead.

This makes failure a monetary failure. "Here, hold my moneybag and backpack, I'm going to try a spell." And you'd have freshmen always forgetting this advice and getting burned when they actually have a critical failure.

62-64. Caster becomes tone deaf and colorblind for 1d10 weeks.

65-66. Caster is frozen in time for 1d10 minutes.

67-68. Caster is drained of energy and is very tired.

The above three are not bad, but inconvenient. It's one of those occupational hazards, like doctors being on-call or machinists dealing with dust or loud machinery. It's kind of funny, but there's a lot of stuff you can get used to.

69-70. Caster is hasted, but cannot communicate with others or cast spells.

71-72. Time slows down for everyone within 1d10 miles of caster for 1 hour.

73-74. Ground 1d10 miles around caster turns into quicksand.

Another set of fun effects. This isn't just dealing with a local area, but a whole city could be affected. The government would get involved, maybe ban magic altogether. It becomes the equivalent of nuclear power -- good, but not in my backyard.

75-76. Everyone within 20 feet of caster (including caster) takes 1d6 points of damage and is incapacitated with pain for 1d10 minutes.

77-78. Any corpses within 100 feet of caster are animated for 1d10 minutes and start repeating their actions they were doing in death.

Another fun one in the middle of a battlefield.

79-80. Two random people in the area switch consciousness.

Could you imagine the havoc that this might cause? Wild Cards had the jumpers, a group of people who could switch bodies. They became a bugaboo, that story's version of "Arab terrorist." But, it also caused the nation (or at least New York City, where the jumpers were based) to question if a person was actually that person. I imagine banks started requiring signatures and passwords and phrases to allow people to check out money -- fingerprints and ID weren't sufficient.

81-82. Caster has ESP for 1d10 hours, but this effect is uncontrollable. Range is line of sight.

This is the opposite of the effect above. Suddenly, passwords become useless, as you start broadcasting all your thoughts to those around you. And some of the most cherished secrets of a sorcerer are the spells she memorized. Perhaps the only way to teach spells is to be in the presence of a wizard when a critical failure happens. It could make a few people who happened to be in the right place at the right time to become very important, very embroiled in magical politics. The TV show Chuck meets Lord of the Rings. Sounds like a campaign idea to me.

83-84. Music appears from nowhere and follows the caster.

85-87. Instead of intended effect, spell conjures 1d10 X 100 butterflies.

As an aside, I googled Wand of Wonder for inspiration for this article. I learned a few things. First, butterflies are always part of the Wand of Wonder's abilities. I don't know why. I don't know how many storms in Texas have been created by the indiscriminate use of wands of wonder. Second, who would make a wand of wonder in the first place? "Hey, let's create a wand and enchant it with dozens, even hundreds of different spell types, and not have any way to choose which one actually activates." It's like a universal remote, with all the buttons not labeled and continually reprogramming itself. And has the chance to electrocute yourself. In my mind, cursed items in general are problematic, but this especially so. Third, not all Wand of Wonder websites are dealing with, shall we say, the D&D version. Click with care.

88-89. Caster becomes sterile.

Another big one. If you assume that most spellcasters critically fail once in their life, it's a sacrifice they'd be resigned to make. The apprentice route makes a lot more sense, having the son or daughter they couldn't have.

90-91. Caster ages 1d10 years.

There's a reason why spellcasters are old. If spells could make you live longer, but the act of casting spells ages you, then it becomes an arms race to see if you can cast the spells to keep you alive, while not critically failing.

92-93. Caster loses 2d20 pounds weight.

94-95. Caster gains 1d10 pounds weight.

Gaining/losing weight puts a mark on sorcerers, both visible and as an effect to their physical health. Anyone read Stephen King's Thinner? Spellcasters would waste away to nothing, or have to constantly eat high-calorie food (which means someone has to feed their appetite).

96. Caster dies, immediately.

97. Caster loses all memory, permanently.

A set of nasty effects here. Magicians are constantly having to relearn their spells, and one slip up can mean a dozen years of studying lost. Plus, spells more easily can become lost to antiquity, constantly resurfacing. Of course, if spellcasters die, then that's a loss of knowledge as well. Each spell is a risk of certain death, and it takes a certain personality type to do this. Don't let your sons grow up to be magicians.

98. For all subsequent spell casting attempts, add 5% to spell failure roll. This is cumulative and permanent.

Imagine if this was permanent. As spell casters go through their profession, they're going to fail -- it's just a matter of odds. But as they fail, they find themselves losing grip of the magic. They burn themselves out. It's "those who can't do, teach" brought to grim reality.

99. Caster becomes paranoid, schizophrenic, depressed, or gains a mental disorder.

00. Caster feels the urge to confess sins and right any wrongs he/she feels guilty for.

Another set of fun effects. Do you really want your most experienced spellcasters to be crazy? This also requires a certain type of personality type to risk the effects of magic. Or how about a negative feedback loop, where only the pure can cast spells, and magic compels people to do good. Less exciting, perhaps, but an interesting twist on how magic works.

Well, that's all. Next month, I'll pop in to talk about teleportation and dimension travel (get it, "pop in" -- ain't I witty or what), a set of spells where you don't want to make a mistake.