Start at the start.

“Back in 2005, June 21 was just another humid grey-white Chicago day, one of those overcast days where it would threaten to rain but you knew it never would until nightfall. Neighbors and neighbors’ neighbors were grilling beef and chicken, the smell of seared animal flesh sickening me. We met at Shan’s house. It had the largest space and a skylight, which the Three Strangers said was essential....

“The Three Strangers also said they needed blood. Fifty of us had to die for the ritual to work. We drew lots. The Three Strangers didn’t participate in the lots of course, so Tasha, Shan, and I each put our name in twice to make everything balanced out. Tasha thought it was stupid, but we felt that if 150 people were there, 150 lots should be there too. As Shan and I organized the group, getting them into a circle, Tasha drew the names before the ritual, reading them out, her shaky voice breaking the silence. As each name was read, one of our friends stepped into the center of the circle. The three of us discussed what would happen if one of our names were drawn twice. One of us would have volunteered to die with the rest, but as it turned out, of the three of us only Shan’s name was drawn, once. At sunset, the Three Strangers finished their chants and the fifty drank lemonade spiked with cyanide without complaint.

“We all stood looking at each other and the slumped bodies in the center of the room. Then, Thumper, Shan’s lop-eared rabbit, hopped in the room, Shan never had the heart to cage her. I think everyone turned, not knowing quite what to expect. “Do you have any water,” was the first sentence ever spoken by an animal. The voice, meek and small, rushed into our brains bypassing our ears, we all heard and felt it at the same time.

“It was like giving birth.

“After that, it was all business. I shook hands with the Three Strangers, thanked them for killing fifty of my closest friends, gave them their money, and they went on their way. I never heard from them again. Part of me thinks that they they didn’t even exist, they were some Tyler Durden conjured up to protect my ego. Part of me thinks I summoned them. Part of me thinks they summoned me. I knew the Three Strangers were bad, possibly the very definition of evil. My mom brought me up as a good Christian. But, sometimes good men deal with bad things to do good.

“I am an African-American, and my people fought for my voice in the 1950s. I am a homosexual, and my culture still fights for my right to marry, to give voice to my love. But my voice was given to me by birthright. I fight for those who cannot speak.”

King of Beasts: The Autobiography of Leon King, by Leon King

“I swear my cat just yelled at me, said he was sick of tasteless dry food. WTF? Must be Henry playing a joke with a speaker somewhere. Joey never heard anything, but he hated that cat anyway.

Blog entry, wickedcatlover, June 21, 2005.

“My family said if it weren’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all. So, on June 21, 2005, I was working second-shift as a security guard in a slaughterhouse. That day, yep. Some folks say they saw their animals shimmer, but I was checking out the second floor when it happened. I just started hearing “help us” and “we can’t move” and “we’re going to die”, like a friggin’ horror movie. They didn’t let me have a gun, I just had a tazer stick, maglight, and a radio.

“So, I went downstairs into the stalls. Hated going in there even during the best of times, and with the voices and it being dusk, the lights didn’t kick in yet. I heard all the voices and knew it was coming from the meat. I yelled at them to shut up, but that just panicked them more, and that panicked me more. They saw me and begged me to let them free. I just got my company on the radio and ran into the streets.

“Not my best time. Yeah, I became a vegetarian that day.”

The Panic of 2005: Personal Views. StoryCorps

“Several factors propelled canines to be the first talking animals to organize for representation. First, several canines had amassed money, either through traditional service work or through more unusual methods. This money allowed canines to purchase human representation. Second, the bond between canines and humans assisted the canine’s cause. Third, several intelligent canines took prominence as community organizers in their society; no other sentient animal species had beings in similar positions. Finally and perhaps most importantly, canines are naturally pack animals, and instinctively looks at working with others to solve issues. These factors led to Yeoman vs. Yeoman, where the United States Supreme Court ruled that sentient animals may not be “exploited due to their non-human status,” and allowed service animals to be covered by the Fair Labor Standards Act. This quickly lead to a patchwork of other laws, where some rights were denied to animals and other rights allowed, and different levels of sentience were required, including the infamous “animal exams” of California.

“Lawyers for the defense circled their wagons and several defenses were used in preventing animals from gaining rights. The first is that speech did not suggest intelligence or sentience. Experts were brought in to say how animals did not speak, that so-called animal speech was merely the reflection of human expectations. Others attempted to use a slippery-slope approach, citing the devastation that would impact the civilized world. Others used the ten percent of people who could not hear or understand animals as the basis that animals did not truly speak. All failed. Ironically, the one defense that was successful is the age limit of most animals.

The Evolving History of The Animal Farm, Dr. Adam Underhill

“On the fourth anniversary of Animal Liberation Day, several bombs exploded in popular canine, feline, leporine, and bovine meeting places. At each scene, the Human Manifesto was discovered:

“We declare that animals were created for the benefit of mankind.

“We declare that animals should be seen and not heard.

“We declare that true salvation can only be achieved by humans and that animals do not have a soul.

“We declare that the vegetarian lifestyle is immoral.

“We declare that animal speech is an abomination.

“We declare that we will do everything within our powers to make humans master of the Earth once more.

“Reactions to the Human Manifesto were mixed. Animal groups from around the nation were outraged and either asked for police protection or vowed to take matters into their own hands. Outside the United States, where the Dolittle Effect was lessened, the Human Movement was seen as a terrorist movement and their methods were denounced by nations world-wide. Inside the United States however, many formerly moderate politicians and individuals rallied around the Manifesto, denouncing the means but not the end. They called for increased regulations and burden of proof on sapient animals and decreased rights for them and their non-speaking brethren.”

Wikipedia, entry on Human Manifesto

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Speak With Animals seems a somewhat problematic spell. Yes, “the more stupid ones [animals] make inane comments” (Players Handbook v3.5) but, speech implies intelligence, sentience. And it’s one thing to be able to slaughter animals, it’s another to actually talk with your food a la Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

But what if someone pumped a lot of points/mana/energy into that one spell. And someone powered it along with a permanency spell. Well, that sounds like a alternate reality to game in. I mean, we talk about problematic morals in AD&D, why not go all the way with the controversy?

I’m reminded of Into the Barn, a (I know this is hard to believe) good Piers Anthony story in the second Dangerous Visions book. His technique is heavy-handed and his breast fixation is as strong as ever, but he talks about human women being mutilated into serving as milk cows. The technique is to cut off their thumbs and tongues. Manipulation and speech – lack of these traits don’t devolve people, make them into beasts, but it distances themselves from us, the “real humans.” Magic allows us to transcend these limitations, change not just the environment but society.

And when the cats get hold of “enlarge animal” and “shapeshift,” you better watch out. Cats seem to group everything as food, toys, or other cats, and I hate to think which category people will fall into.

Next on the list we go from animal to objects – magical rings, wands, bracers, girdles, boots, gloves, etc. etc. etc. etc. Until next month.